EMMJAY

Look! I can finally change my "location" feild!

2008-08-24T20:18:19Z

Pardon my once again leaving you all at a cliffhanger with regards to my life. I'll try to paint you an adequate synopsis of my life which ironically enough, would include none the juicy tidbits you come here for:
-I live in Toronto now.
-As of this morning, I now have a room in residence.
-I think I just spent all my shoe money on Kleenex and Ajax.
-I'm supposed to be at some residence barbecue thing in the next half hour.
-I still haven't posted photos from Japan.

Aaaaaaaaand in the spirit of how I normally operate, I'm going to post photos of something quasi-interesting to give you a reason to comment on this post without actually reading into the context at all.

So this is my room in all of its glory (well, sans bathroom but if you've ever stayed at a Delta hotel, I'm sure you can construct a vivid enough mental image) Please note my shoes in the window which are becoming sun faded to enhance their tuscanesque flavors.

My bed. Also see: How to die a virgin. (Though not nearly as... "elaborate" as some may describe my bed at home.)

My couch.

My desk. Alternately, the reason I now need to buy another table for my sewing machine. This is complete with ParaParaParadise, Beatmania, my dharuma, biohazordous waste disposal unit, OtaFest ribbons and the plaid flannel with trout print which I intend to turn into a bustierone of these days.

And there you have it!

Today is my Birthday.

2008-08-10T17:34:54Z

Happy 18^th birthday to me. I get to vote now, sign my own waver forms and can finally play my own games on Newgrounds.com! Thats about all the difference it makes to me.

The Adventures of Emmjay and the Spinning Jenny

2008-08-09T07:08:58Z

As you can possibly conclude by reading this, yes, I am indeed back in Canada. I'm not quite at that point where I'm sick of recounting the same stories of my travels to different people but I refrain from articulating the juicy details to you as a precaution to such an inevitable outcome. So instead, I'll talk about my timetable this year! (Er, rather, I hate printing junk like this so I'm copying and pasting it and putting it here for reference. Just flaunting the most basic of my html skills, you know how it goes.)

My first semester consists of the following courses. I'm really excited in a way but at the same time I'm thinking, "Great. I'm spending almost $20,000 to take the same crap I've had shoved down my throat for the past six years in fashions class. If you did more with my portfolio than flip through it, giving each page a recognition of over ten seconds, maybe it would become apparent to you that I'm pretty well acquainted with a sewing machine. kthxbibi4nao"

Fashion 101: Textiles I: This course is an introduction to textiles and fibres: the general concepts of durability, comfort and care are related to the serviceability of fibres, yarns and fabric construction. In the laboratory time the students examine and compile a book of fabric samples which illustrate the concepts discussed in the lecture. (Formerly CTX 100.)

Fashion 120: Fashion Design I: Basic concepts and theories of apparel design and product development are introduced. Design principles are examined through the typology of garment styles and silhouettes, and executed through patternmaking exercises and construction assignments. Professional methods and equipment are utilized.

Fashion 121: Fundamentals of Design and Color I: An introduction to the elements and principles of two-dimensional and three-dimensional design. Students will develop a conceptual understanding of basic design through lectures and develop their visual vocabulary through critical analysis in a context of cross-disciplinary and cross-cultural exploration.

Fashion 122: Illustration I: Life and Fashion Drawing. An introduction to drawing as a means of visual communication. Emphasis is on the human body and basic anatomy, the fashion figure, the design of croquis sketches and an introduction to fashion garment illustration. The course will also focus on visualization and presentation techniques as they apply to the apparel industry. Some assignments are prepared in collaboration with Fashion Design I and II.

Fashion 123: Intro to Fashion I-The Industry: This course provides an overview of the fashion industry, examining its growth, current status and future. Design trends and seasonal cycles are explored. A research project that comprehensively examines a design theme will be completed.

Interior Design 102: History of Art I:Tracing the broad development in art, design and architecture from the classical period through to the Renaissance, this course will offer an analytical survey of images, objects and buildings that seeks to explain the historical, cultural and social contexts of the production of art broadly defined and to offer a means of understanding stylistic change and its meanings.

Second semester sounds a bit more promising. If you've read this far, congratulations. I'll have to cast a medallion for you as I sit through yet another lecture about the history of the Spinning Jenny.

Fashion 220: Fashion Design II: Original designs are developed and realized through design concept research and the close integration of contextual themes, textiles, colour, styling and fit. Critical analysis of completed garments is made with reference to design, consumer needs and marketability.

Fashion 221: Fundamentals of Design and Color II: Theoretical and practical aspects of colour are studied in-depth including practical problems dealing with colour harmony, trends, association, symbolism, optical illusion, notation and terminology.

Fashion 222: Illustration II: This course offers the further exploration of techniques in drawing the human body as a means of communicating ideas in fashion. Some assignments are prepared in collaboration with Fashion Design II (FSN 220).

Fashion 223: Intro to Fashion II-Concepts and Theory: This lecture course introduces students to the study of fashion as material culture. It will examine issues such as aesthetics, style, genre, authorship, iconography, appropriation and taste and place these within a social and historical context. Fashion will be examined in relation to contemporary artistic movements and the inter-relationship of the arts (such as painting, theatre, photography, film, ballet, architecture).

Fashion 232: History of Art II:The course introduces students to the history of Western art and design from the Renaissance to the present. In its broadest sense, the artistic production of various periods will be examined in light of social and historical developments in society. Stylistic approaches and theoretical frameworks will be utilized in order to explore the complex role of art in both the visual and material aspects of Western culture.

And finally, we have Liberal Studies courses. I get to choose one for my second semester of this my narrowed down list. These sound way way cooler than say, Textiles I. I'm leaning toward either "Popular Culture" or "Problems in Philosophy" for the time being. Feel free to sway my boat how ever you like.

Physics 181: Introduction to Astronomy: This course will examine astronomical ideas both in relation to their times and in the light of current scientific theory and technical data. Application of the scientific method will be emphasized in evaluating these data and theories. Method of collection and analysis of data will be presented to help the nontechnical student in asking fundamental questions about scientific theories. Topics covered include cosmology, origin of the stars and galaxies, evolution of stars, the solar system, exobiology, death of stars, stellar remnants and the age of the universe.

Philosophy 101: Plato and the Roots of Western Philosophy: An introduction to Philosophy, using Plato's Republic. Topics include: How ought we to live our lives? What is justice? What is the nature of society and the individual? What social arrangements (educational, political, economic) best serve the ideals of justice and happiness?

Philosophy 201: Problems in Philosophy: This course serves as an introduction to philosophy by focusing on problems and issues which have occupied thinkers down through the centuries. For example, how can we relate talk about the cause and effect relationship governing physical events with talk about people making free choices? How do mind and body relate? What do we really know about the physical world or other people's minds? Can we know whether God exists? Are moral judgements objectively true or false?

Philosophy 214: Critical Thinking: A course designed to develop clarity of thought and method in the construction, analysis and evaluation of both unsupported claims and those supported by arguments. While there will be some exposure to the notion of logical form, the emphasis here is upon informal principles and arguments stated in ordinary language. Topics include the nature and methods of argument, classification and definition, along with some common fallacies and some questions about meaning and language.

Sociology 202: Popular Culture: This course brings sociological insights to popular culture in its complex and multiple dimensions. Focusing on electronic media, popular music, film, fashion, and cyberspace it examines how contemporary sights, sounds and images impact on human beings and their awareness. Special attention is given the cult of the celebrity, popular culture and social control, and the mediated event.

Other than that, I've been busy lately. Every morning new, more ridiculous things come up. I have this huge pile of paper work and I have no idea what the hell any of it is for. If you asked me what was in it, I could tell you about two scholarships for my Union I still have to write for $2,000 a piece; only drawback is that they have to be between five and ten pages long. Call me crazy but I don't think I can rant on that long about "the advantages of Unions" and "why Wal-Mart is destroying the world" and beat every point to death to uber Liberal union big wigs who have not only seen and heard it all but have probably written the book.

Me being too tongue-in-cheek for my own good:
"Hello, Wal-Mart is very bad because they are a multi billion dollar corporation meaning that they have a lot of money. If they have all that money which makes them very very rich, than how come it is that their employees can not even afford to shop at Wal-Mart which as stated on their web page and every other piece of propaganda they perpetuate, is very very not expensive meaning poor people should be able to access it? Poor people such as those who work at Wal-Mart and do not make very much and do not get what you call raises (meaning more money) which the multi billion dollar corporation Wal-Mart should be able to afford just as they should be able to afford to hire more employees but don't because that is more expensive than hiring a few employees and then the prices would have to be raised and as studies have shown, that would decrease the amount of sales an-" Okay, I just felt my IQ drop. I think I should go to bed now.

JAPAN

2008-07-17T18:48:03Z

JAPAN IS TO HAPPEN TOMORROW. I MAY BE ENGULFED IN FLAMES ON MY WAY THERE, BECOME HIDEOUSLY DISFIGURED AND DEAD AND MAY NEVER RETURN. OTHERWISE I WILL BE BACK AUGUST 2^ND.

Please expect the biggest frickken' photodump upon my arrival.

I'm really sick of this.

2008-06-18T22:00:48Z

Its not my fault. Its my dad's but that doesn't mean I should have my face held up to the phone to call him and beg for money. Just because my dad left my mom doesn't mean it was my fault. I WAS FIVE FUCKING YEARS OLD. WHAT THE HELL COULD I HAVE DONE TO MAKE HIM LEAVE? NOTHING. I don't even think I have a dad so what point is there in me calling that stranger who we're still I'm still connected for money that I know he doesn't even have? And to yell at me for "sucking my grandparents dry" when shes the one borrowing money from them all the time and she somehow convinces herself is for me. AND AT THE SAME TIME, my grandparents are offering to pay my tuition and shes telling them no- telling them no right in front of me on the phone and then reminding me that I deserve to have to pay for it myself. FUCK WOMAN, THEY ARE OFFERING ME A CHANCE IN LIFE. I AM NOT ASKING FOR THIS. I never ask for ANYTHING. Thats why its so hard for me to confront people like my dad who I don't even know. And all the while being allowed no chance to state my input, no chance to even speak and if I manage to say anything, I'M PUNISHED. I can't say SHIT. I'm not allowed to make productive use of my time as she always traps me and makes me listen to her. I can't do SHIT. I live with somebody who changes their mind 50 times a day, freaks out about every little thing, especially "clutter" (which I have given up on trying not to create as its never good enough for her) and despite boasting about me to everyone she knows, treats me like SHIT.

So it seems that I am SHIT. That is what I am worth and that is what I amount to in the eyes of some cranky old woman who can't get her priorities straight. I don't pity her anymore, I have no sympathy to her. Explicitly using the excuse "[I do this to you] because you're my child" is not an excuse at all. If I've learned anything from her its to pick and choose my battles; my father is not worth going to for money just as my mom isn't worth going through the bureaucracy of the legal system to seek monetary justice from.

Megalomaniacal babble.

2008-06-15T16:20:00Z

Contrary to my last entry, I guess the "reflection" paper for PD in the arts needn't be about how the course "helped" us. In any case, I'm sharing it with you, mostly to get it off my hard drive.

The common denominator of my life up to present can easily be described as preparation for a flourishing career as a fashion designer. I was born as the daughter of a high-school art teacher, which has given to me a creative environment in which I have been free to experiment and hone my skills for the past seventeen years^*. At a very young age, I took to drawing as my craft of choice and practiced it at any given opportunity, regardless of the setting. My subject of choice just so happened to be people - as I have been endlessly fascinated by how one chooses to express themselves in the most literal way possible; what they wear and how they wear it.

I see myself as an innovator of something new and unseen before. To me, “art” isn’t limited to one medium, one subject or one credo (I say this coming from having an extensive background in both the visual and performing arts) but personally, I establish the worth of any piece of art on the basis of its innovation, gauging of a new genre or movement. From the age of five, you can be trained and spoon-fed musical knowledge to become a “brilliant” pianist. You can be an “artist” who never deviates from realism; painting what they know, what they see in front of themselves every day. But these people’s titles are by no means synonymous with “creator”. Those who infer themselves as artists but do not explore, create or stray beyond the unabstract thought process of comprehension, are no better than money traders or any other faceless, high ranking business executive who works by profit motivation alone, without bettering society. Regurgitation of familiar imagery is a pointless endeavor.

This being said, my critical goal as a fashion designer is to present imagery which the general population is unfamiliar with. Particularly with fashion design, this by no means a simple undertaking. Like any other art form, every trend eventually succumbs to obsolescence and if it’s lucky, it may resurface for a short while. Fashion is a catalyzed model of this certainty; trends are just as contagious as they are implosive. Yet, I see a particular irony with a disturbing tendency of how all new styles are adaptations of former styles- obsolete styles and maybe not so much based on their aesthetics but perhaps on the absence of inspiration among the ruling class of fashion.

Anyone can give mention that the new, the ahead of its time, the outright bizarre will not be accepted with open arms. One of my dissatisfactions with fashion is that too many people, devoid of creativity, enter the field in hopes of making a quick buck or two. The easiest way to accomplish this dismal goal is to ride the wave and produce a line of clothing exactly on par with every other collection at the time. However, a collection of something revolutionary could either be too threatening or the delicacy the people have been starving for all this time. Given the later is foreshadowing of my career, I will in a way have monopolized the market as I would be the only one capable of delivering a product until one of my fellow bourgeoisie beige designers formulated something of standing equivalent value.

At the same time, I feel as though this general unenthusiasm of clothing by the designers has steered fashion away from art. Slowly, fashion diverges from a vehicle of transmitting intellect and instead becomes yet another depository of recognizable, monotonous things-you-wear-because-you’re-expected-to. I say that this is a far cry from real art. Art should challenge and force people to define, if not challenge their ideologies (and if it’s aesthetically pleasing, all the better!). There is nothing groundbreaking about a pencil skirt and the more it is brought back, the chances diminish.

Art in itself is the one thing which is unquantifiable in society. Of course everything is subject to personal bias but it is ultimately the role of art to invoke response based on ones experiences and values. This is the one area which conventional fact holds no value, where there is no right, no wrong. The abandonment of logic, the trial of meaning. Only you and art.

To me, art has rapidly evolved into something very different than what it had initially meant to me. Art has always been about exploring the crevasse which one can not probe and formulate with logic alone. Up until taking Art 20 IB, I had always placed a particular importance on the visual quality of art alone. However as I was running on an artistic “stuck”, I soon found myself relying on a higher level of intellect invested in each piece to find success. In doing this, I found that my work could reach a greater audience by incorporating the introduction of critical questions to my work to gain more than a shallow acknowledgement from the viewer and invoke a real response.

Content aside, my career goals should become more available to me as I’ve been accepted into the Ryerson University school of Fashion. My decision was based just as much on their scholarly reputation as it is my desire to network. Toronto (being Canada’s fashion capital) is oozing with opportunities for prospective fashion designers to enter the field in an environment which is supporting of the industry. From the graduating fashion collection, I would hope for my work to catch the eye of a company where I could put my talent to work in a way which would give me a taste of the structure of a larger design label. This would however, not be a permanent career setting for me as ultimately, my goal is to be an entrepreneur and steer success for my own company. Another factor which will indisputably assist me on this prospect is my desire to pursue a minor in business. With luck, this will guide me in to turning my passion into something profitable.

Success will be evident to me as a designer when I have reached my artistic goal of reinventing the fashion industry and introducing to it a new leg to stand on, without which would falter. This is to say that I want to change the way that the jaded perceive fashion and to make it something exciting and new instead of reintroducing the same styles which have had the glamour beaten out of them time after time. Although beneficial to perpetuate a business and a luxurious lifestyle, I see capital as an extraneous matter to my impending legacy. Long after net worth, inspiration will not be forgotten. Success to me as an artist is when my ideas become a valid and respectable statement wherein fashion itself can not be forgotten without mention of my name.

^* - No, not really.

THIS IS NOT A MEME, THIS IS RAW.

2008-06-07T06:35:58Z

As many words that I have floating around my head, as much as I can pour out from my mind right about now, all that I feel needs to be said can be put aside. For now, I present to you the current TL;DR humming about my conscience. No style, no prose and hardly any respect for syntax. As soon as I type this, I’m going to bed.

Statements about the people I go to school with and any other commentary I feel relevant:

1. My perception of who I used to think was the intellectual, respectable portion of my peers from grade 9-10 has completely changed. I now think of them as the most grading, irritating portion of people I know seeing as every time they don’t get what you want scholastically, they turn it into everybody else’s problem, including the teachers’. I especially hate it when I try to articulate something of interest or expertise of mine to them and what do they do? Shoot down my points because they know everything.

2. When you volunteer, do you do it to make a difference in the community as a selfless act of your civility or do you do it with pencil and paper in hand, tracking your hours to aggressively collect scholarship bounty? If volunteering counted as nothing more than volunteering alone, devoid of even recognition, would you still do it? Think about it. I for one have a line blurred between “volunteering” and common courtesy. One may think its selfish to have a “do what you care about” policy but upon further inspection, I give because what I do is something I love and I accomplish one hell of a lot more than if I were doing it simply to fulfill a certain time-caped requirement for some sort of compensation.

3. Next person who I hear complain about how [drunk/stoned/high/fucked/behind in their homework they got because of any of the above/many classes they missed in substitution of any of the above] they got, GETS PUNCHED CLEAR IN THE FACE. Ingesting any mind altering substance is not the matter of “Oops! The wind!” These are all personal choices one makes. Some choose to make them, others don’t. I thought it was beat into people’s heads since grade two about taking ownership for their actions but it appears that elementary education has failed its purpose if some who engage in such activities come out of what they perceived to be a fun experience, flat out whining.

4. Is it just me or is there something morally wrong with teachers telling kids what bars to go to after school?

5. I don’t see why having a cell phone detecting device for exams is such a controversy. If my phone rings in class, Grandma has died. If you can’t go two hours one afternoon without your umbilical cord to the social grapevine, GOD MOTHER-FUCKING BLESS YOU.

6. The demeaning comment made towards GATE at the grad ceremonies was unacceptable. I’m not saying that GATE is the perfect program but by no means is lesser to IB. GATE was designed to be an enriched curriculum whereas IB was meant to be a rigorous international curriculum where students are given the option to pursue university transfer credits. TWO TOTALLY SEPARATE THINGS. Sure, there are a lot of kids who had a high IQ in grade 4 who still stick it out in GATE to grade 12 even though their intelligence has expired but there are individuals in IB who just happen to have exceptional study skills, not necessarily creativity, wit or exceptional talent outside of what can be “learned”. GATE is also not a fall back option for people who don’t succeed in IB. No former IB students have been granted this privilege and even some GATE to IB, prospectively back to GATE students have been denied. Would you not think that this is a reason? I have 30 IB credits and 55 GATE credits. Consider my opinion informed.

7. Piggybacking off my last point and point 3, if you knew that all you were going to do was bitch about being in IB, did it ever occur to you that maybe you shouldn’t have been in IB in the first place? I listened to the same IB orientation speakers as the rest of you did and they pretty explicitly said “If you are in IB, you will have no life.”

8. Congratulations on choosing to pursue a career as a [lawyer/doctor/engineer/stockbroker/faceless, high-ranking business executive]. Don’t you dare look down on me for pursuing a career as a fashion designer. I’m going to University just like the rest of you and for somebody to lower the letter count in their words as soon as I mention my passion is outright diminishing. Bring the subject up with me in another ten years; that is if I can hear you through my fat seven digit annual wage.

9. Starbucks was not worth being mentioned over 9,000 times at grad- it is simply a place that smells really good and has Wi-Fi where you can purchase moderately overpriced luxury beverages which are usually served cold. I’m not a true cynic- I buy Chai tea there when it is convenient because that stuff is hard to make but it is by no means the product of my uncontained worship. Refer to the end of point 5 for what I think about people who show up late very day to class with Starbucks.

10. False political advocacy is worse than not doing anything at all. I’ll bet you that nine out of ten times I ask someone at our school why they hate George Bush, they will say “because he is stupid” or “because he is making his own citizens die in a civil war half way around the world”. Congratulations! You have cable and have watched CNN and got 1/4 of a joke on the Daily Show! People who blindly stand up for things sound familiar. Oh right, that uber conservative archetype easily persuaded Liberals hold of the redneck with the flagpole outside his trailer, rifle at his side and takes everything in the Bible out of context. False political advocacy is no better. Good to know you joined some Facebook group which claims to aid the current status of Burma, glad to see that that bag you’re carrying has abstract green friendly wording scribbled all across it. Shame to see that if you had really bothered to read the groups information, you would have noticed that the group is no more than a social badge and that bag is 20% rayon.

11. Just because Encyclopedia Dramatica hasn't deleted all of your updates, doesn't mean you'd last 10 seconds in my neigh/b/orhood.

TL;DR - OH HOW I CAN NOT WAIT TO DISASSOCIATE MYSELF FROM ALL THE STUPID FUCKS WHO SURROUND ME.

Once again, talking about nothing and making it sound like something

2008-06-05T05:20:40Z

Everybody else my age can't be pulled away from their mental calendar as they count down the days until their education draws to a close. I on the other hand, wouldn't be able to give you an answer past "Ungh... Sometime this month?" This isn't because my legacy transcends nowhere past my Facebook page or because I have no plans for my future (Although I do on occasion partake in such carnival squander in the tongue-in-cheek way I approach 90% of the rest of my life's happenings) I've pretty much known my destiny to this point since I was in the eighth grade without any real road map to where I was well aware I'd land up. Pardon my flirting around the point. My point is, I'm shutting myself out to how much school is left for me because I don't want it to end. School ending would imply a deadline for assignments which I am slowly cranking out. I can't get out of this miserable pit fast enough and yet I hang around anyway.

On the topic of "Out of my graduating class of about 600, I'm probably one of about 50 who actually has their shit together and will probably achieve a comfortable and permanent life", Professional Development in the Arts 35: What a joke that has turned out to be! In short, I think the idea was that it would be a class to encourage students to pursue postsecondary education in the arts by crediting their lengthy, rigorous portfolio preparations. In reality, like most other classes I've had the misfortune of being in, it turns out that all that work I put into getting to University can be thrown right out the window in substitution for hour logs, research papers ("What influences your art?" Nothing. My art isn't reactionary. Its revolutionary. I am uninspired and happen to act on it. And don't dock me marks for being a smart ass), job shadowing (Remember how I was supposed to go work fashion retail for a day but that fell through because the teacher didn't want to have to organize it any further? Yeah, because thats why I'm going to University all the way across the country, to get a degree in fashion design so I can fold clothes in a sweatshop at the mall. I just happened to have an extra $70,000 kicking around my bedroom and a bizarre urge to waste four years of my life.) and a "What this course meant to me" paper (Which I'm sure, as you can see I will have no problem doing). Once again, I'm cramming my effort, my gift to the world into a metaphorical ice cube tray known as the curriculum, cutting around the edges and pouring leftover ham fat into the rest of the slots.

I should have come to expect this by now. I'm almost done and then I can at least attempt to piece myself together without my introspective conversation being interrupted by a normal curve yelling at me to find its derivative.

In other news, OtaFest happened a few weeks ago. I didn't win anything in the competition but I won 2^nd runner up, Ms. OtaFest which was nice to be recognized for all the effort I put into my Eternal Sailor Moon cosplay. I'd attempt to write a more conclusive synopsis to balance out the 60,000,000,000,000 photos taken of me that weekend but there really wasn't much to say about OtaFest this year. I think two photos will have to suffice:

Eternal Sailor Moon!

Eternal Sailor Moon lookin' up Audrey's skirt...

Far further down on the list of importance is that I graduated. Graduation is all pretty ridiculous. I think its more so a (now) customary passage of rights in combination of a celebration for all the kids who had doubts as to whether or not they would even graduate in the first place. Less long than the banquet for Benson's grad last year, but just as boring. What I liked about mine was how much everybody just blatantly talked through the banquet instead of making any efforts to conceal their dissatisfaction. Pictures ensued:

Princess Serenity and Tuxedo Kamen. Would you really expect any less of me?

Apart from me cheating the dress to look more interesting than it was and extreme impromptu back lighting, this isn't a very good photograph.

This is too textbook.

2008-05-09T04:00:19Z

So she can say anything she wants to me in terms of personal insults, punishment and threats. The second I do so much as respond to one of my mother's rhetorical snide remarks as means of defending myself, I get punished. I ask why and I get punished again. So by trying to seek justification, I instead get "privileges" taken away, chores or slapped. Then somehow she claims that what what ever I've expressed about my disregard for the situation is abuse and calls up her mom or her friends and plays victim. Yet if I try to obtain a healthy conversation with a third party to ease myself in the heat of the moment and maybe regain some self-esteem after having it all shat on by who I am convinced is the devil incarnated, all of a sudden I'm "betraying" her and am subject to even more punishment. All because I'm the kid and shes the parent. How democratic.

What the hell is wrong with this woman!? I'm really surprised that I don't have some serious mental disorder having been raised by her. But in a way, I feel as though I've raised myself. Weeks can go by and I don't even remember I have a father and yet this is at the front of her mind constantly and she frequently regenerates reasons it's my fault he left her. She yells at me every day. I end up a crying mess every night. Sure I'm not a child soldier in Africa or what ever but I have a hell of a lot more reasons to be self loathing than most of the kids I know who perpetuate themselves in self-proclaimed depression. And yet I'M NOT. I'm a genuinely happy and carefree person until my mom comes along and tears me down like this. Maybe thats my mental disorder. Maybe I should have killed myself ages ago. Maybe its hopeless for me after all and I've just been lucky enough to ride through the turbulence thus far. I don't want to wait for her to realize she has a great kid after all.

Despite the stress and struggle my dad has caused by leaving, I respect him so much for getting away from her while he could. As for me? I'm the kid.

OtaFest

2008-05-08T22:32:47Z

I don't think I've watched an anime in two or three years and even so, it was probably Trigun or something made before 1998. Not Bleach, not Death Note, Not Full Metal Alchemist, not name of most exciting new anime fresh out of Japan to be bastardized by North American fans immediately, and yet still, every time somebody even mentions OtaFest, I swear I get a heart palpitation.

Sure, I'm disgusted with 80% of the OtaGoers:
(The large, 15 and out of control glomp-me-I-luv-bishies whores: 40%,
the cosplaying for the novelty: 20%,
the Gothic Lolitards: 12%,
the self proclaimed /b/ prophecies: 5%,
the freaky over 30-somethings, possibly with Aspets syndrome: 3%.)
But funny how a few weeks before every OtaFest, even this year when I'm blowing all my money on hair extensions the weekend before, I have the world in common with these people; the short-term reason of my being is some anime convention.

WHOSE GOING TO OTAFEST 2008?!
~~WHOSE GOING TO VOTE FOR ME FOR MS. OTAFEST 2008!?~~

Oh really?

2008-05-03T02:50:32Z

So I got my acceptance latter to Ryerson yesterday. Sure I'm excited but I'm not surprised. Then again I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't get in either though based on some dumb technicality- Seldom am I ever rejected when I try my best; I usually just miss part of the big picture is all.

No more Calgary. No more yuppies. No more mom. No more stupid "Western Pride". No more lame Calgary raves. No more kids who I've grown to hate over the past six years... It would seem that I've grown exponentially and everyone else is still a selfish little seventh grader looking for their next keg.

Ever still, I have a bunch of homework to get done with. I'm still not done what was due for Spring Break given I did my application portfolio and then had my Japanese exchange students. Yet I'm still applying more effort into finishing my dress for OtaFest. This acceptance couldn't have come at a worse time- I'm not really motivated to work but at the same time, I've been riuding a creative null for a couple months.

Living in the moment produces goals, ironically enough:
- Finish homework
- Apply for more scholarships
- Loose ten more pounds for OtaFest
- Start selling jib to have money to pay for $600 hair extensions next week...
- Meet up with friends and teach them our choreography for OtaFest
- GTFO LiveJournal

Everything.

2008-04-11T04:25:48Z

These next couple of weeks are basically going to be an academic write off so I may as well start them tonight and blog instead of doing my mind blowing amounts of homework.

First and foremost, tomorrow night at 6:00, I'm picking up my Japanese home stay kids who are going to be here until the 25^th. Of course, being Japanese and everything, they're going to be absolutely WHACK. More or less really polite and easygoing but just you wait my radiant darlings of the orient, I pledge to make your Canadian field trip experience WHACK (Also, I solemnly swear to kill you both or set you into a coma by feeding you copious amounts of carbohydrates, cholesterol and the meats)

Next of all, my IB Art exam is this Tuesday so I get to put my heart out on a plate and explain why I draw on sticky notes everyday and how that relates to justifying human values. Just thought you should be in that loop.

Today I also found out that my Hot Topic order from January 18^th has been sent back to the states, ONCE AGAIN. You see, my aunt's mail carrier is a douche vat and didn't put the "We kindly urge you to pick up your parcel" tag on my aunts door back in February when the order came so it got signed for in Tennessee and then returned to the company where they tried to re-send it to us in Canada and the mail carrier didn't drop off the tag yet again. Thus my $250 order resides in Toronto and they aren't allowed to just ship it back to us. It has to go back to the states and then re-sent back to Canada. Best of all, we aren't allowed to issue complaints, only Hot Topic is authorized to. I'm a have to pull open a can of "public interest story on Global news of corporate injustice" on this bastard, I will. And everybody said... YATTA!!

Also, barely related to my first point, I found some Manic Panic in my closet from Grade 9 and died my hair since Japanese kids make it so I don't have to work for the next two weeks.

YEAAAAAH.

My Ticket out of Calgary

2008-04-06T02:54:31Z

I finished everything up on Thursday morning and I mailed my portfolio out later that day to be couriered by Friday afternoon. There. Now I'll shut up about it and if I don't get in, I'll seriously puke. Now I'm cleaning up my house for my Japanese homestay girls that are coming this Friday. I'm fricken' PUMPED.

Kay, here is my portfolio and then you NEVER HAVE TO LOOK AT IT EVER AGAIN.

Eternal Sailor Moon Cosplay

Pants

Princess Sailor Moon Cosplay (Also Grad dress)

Ladie's Evening Wear (Pencil Crayon)

Swimwear (Watercolor)

Men's Casual Wear (Photoshop)

Children's Wear (Pencil Crayon)

So whatdaya think?

Yep, you guess it!

2008-03-15T04:06:55Z

No, I don't talk about ANYTHING else if you haven't noticed.

Women's Formal Wear. All done except for coloring in the lips and eyes as well as cleaning up and trimming the background.

I'd like to consider the term "men's casual wear" relative. This is just the line art. I'm going to render it in Photoshop. I really don't like how this looks now because all the bits that I have meshed in are supposed to represent a lime mesh overlay on black, so in reality would be the lighter areas.

So, what do you think? :/

Vanity

2008-03-04T05:07:59Z

Apart from being $230.⁰⁰ (which includes shipping), I would consider these well worth it. Especially because they're pretty much the last pair and will be here within the week.

Potfolio Art

2008-02-29T22:03:30Z

Well, I've accomplished something (but even so, I'm not finished and feel although I've accomplished butt-fuck nothing) These are part of the drawing portion of my portfolio submission. It's supposedly "women's evening wear". I have to draw the back view in but I left my Research Work Book at school so this is as far as I'll get right now.

This is the rough coup, just to give you an idea of the colors. Not quite fixed on the blending on the bottom of the outer dress layer... If you can't tell, its supposedly a mushroom cloud... She has chemical equation things all over the top too!

This is my good copy that I'm handing in. I have yet to add colors so this is all you get for now.

Edit:
I finished the back version too:

So I have a portfolio deadline now...

2008-02-27T23:46:08Z

"Dear MJ,

As an applicant to the Bachelor of Design - Fashion Design program, the Admissions Committe and the Faculty are pleased to invite you to send a portfolio. Your portfolio submission must be received by the School of Fashion by the following deadline date: April 4, 2008."

"Dear Ryerson Admissions Committee and Faculty,

lol gtfo"

As much as I love this icon, I think I need to get one that matches my Journal more.

2008-02-26T23:04:02Z

For the first time in as long as I can remember, when people have been asking me how I am, I've been answering something other than "Fine. How do you do?" and rather "really really super stressed because of University Portfolio crap". This is so emotionally tolling one me and I'm sure I'm bringing a lot of it on myself (I'm sure somebody has applied to Ryerson with pajama pants and has gotten accepted to their Fashion Design program) but the workload from Social Studies and Math kind of prevent me from making any substantial progress in Fashion Studies or Art. Also, my IB Office examination is April 14^th and as far as Ryerson has implicitly told me, I should know whether or not I got accepted by the specific date of "early May"... Uh, thanks?

On top of everything, I got my diploma marks back yesterday and I got 80% in Physics (Giving me a course mark of 78%; not bad considering I was just taking the course for the sake of it, not really ever needing to calculate the magnetic fields of solenoids anytime in the near future) and 69% in LA... Um, is it just me or is there a slight discrepancy between that and my course mark of 88%? And the kicker is that I got 78% on my multiple choice (I got 59% as my highest mark for that in class) and 60% on my written portion (I never got a grade lower than 98% in the course) I worked my ass off in that class and Cancilla sure as hell didn't give away free marks where they weren't due. Worst of all, this puts my mark at 79%- 1% off of meeting the Rutherford scholarship standards (bye bye $1600!) I think I'm going to pay $20 to get it remarked because I thought I kicked the snot out of the written. The marker probably didn't even read Hamlet.

But on the bright side, my Sailor Moon cosplay isn't giving me much hassle yet. It was somewhat euphoric holding up the skirt's layers today and being able to see how much it looked like Sailor Moon.

DEAR EVERYBODY

2008-02-18T02:35:32Z

DEAR EVERYBODY ON MY FRIENDS LIST!
EVERYBODY!

I really don't give half a crap about grad but I do about my grad dress only because its going to be one of my garments for my Ryerson application. Anyway, since OtaFest is the weekend before and I'm cosplaying as Sailor Moon, I'll have my 50 inch hair extensions in so I thought I may as well do a princess Sailor Moon cosplay for grad as well. But, I'm stuck when it comes to which version I should do... So I ask of you, the collective people of LiveJournal that whether you know me like a father or only by my abbreviated first name, you give me some input between the dresses:

DRESS ONE

DRESS TWO

Regardless of which one I do, it wouldn't be made in white because that isn't allowed for my application. The second one would probably be light purple and if I did the first, it would be light purple, light pink or gold. What do you think for color as well?

????

Why?

2008-02-11T02:52:47Z

These things persist to painfully remind me; funny how mundane things fill you when you're the most empty and leave a wound that has started to fester again:

Smaller neighborhood Safeways after dark
Thinking too hard about math
My labret piercing
Returning my SkullCandies because I got red dye all over them from my bloody weeding dress
Safeway's meal deal
In the Groove
The Leather Pocket
My white corset
That snail I drew on the floor at school in that one hall under the staircase
That one hall under the staircase
Falling asleep on the couch and waking up to wind chimes
Dancemania Trancemania and Fantasia series, especially on the way to my Math tutor
My pink nurses dress
Safeway Signature salads
The song The Beggining
Social Studies
When the size of my manga collection amounted to something fulfilling
House sitting for my aunt

I'm happy now. I'm happy now. I'm happy than I've ever been now. Stop it you idiot, stop remembering all the things that remind you of that numb feeling. You amount to something more you idiot, idiot, IDIOT.

Portfolio plan of attack

2008-02-02T01:01:45Z

I may possibly have to have my University portfolio done in less than a month. Even so, I only have until early April to finish all of this for the Art 31 IB examination. So basically, until then, if you're trying to carry on any kind of remotely intellectual conversation with me, expect an answer like "1.5 CENTIMETER SEAM ALLOWANCE!". I haven't been sleeping. Not only because I've caught my cat's infectious disease but because I'm thinking about bloody sewing ever waking moment I'm spending away from my projects. I didn't even know there was school yesterday and the day before. Thats how bloody in to this I've been.

Anyway, for my sake mostly, here is a list of all my projects for my portfolio:

GARMENTS
- Eternal Sailor Moon cosplay
- Plaid pants
- Grad dress (Princess Usagi dress)

FASHION ILLUSTRATIONS:
- Women's evening wear: Cyber-style kimono with Hiroshima bombing imagery.
- Men's casual top and pants: I'll think of something. It just won't be very casual...
- Swim wear: Strawberry bikini. Really cute (but mostly because I don't fancy swim wear to begin with)
- Children's wear: Sweet lolita-style dress.

Aurngh.

Fashion

2008-01-29T20:34:24Z

Fashion is so bogus.

If something is aesthetically pleasing one day, it should be aesthetically pleasing the next. The only reason certain looks become obsolete is because all of a sudden, everybody is wearing the same thing and people get sick of it so they'll desperately latch onto the next fad.

Rinse and repeat.

I've had clothes in my closet that I've had for the past six years and what I've re-sized, I will still wear. Why? Because I wear what ever I think looks good. Thats why I have about four times as much clothing as most kids my age who have twenty times as much money as me.

Think about it.

Just an update on my so called "academic life"

2008-01-21T18:40:43Z

As anybody who has ever had the displeasure of going through this knows, university applications are such a mega bummer to have to fill out. Sure the information you're looking for is on the website two or three times but is never the same between the cases. Not something favorable when you're looking for something like, oh, I don't know- the date that everything is bloody due for! But my cousin is helping me though this and so is my aunt. My aunt knows how stressed out I am about this portfolio thing so she has even offered me that for however long it will take me, so long as I'm working on my portfolio or something to further my education, she will pay me what I would have made at work that day. Finally, somebody in my family is reasonable!

Also, I'm applying to the U of C too just in case. Because I already will have my first year of university art, I'm going to try to finish my second year there if I don't get into Ryerson or maybe I'll just take most of my liberal studies courses there to get them done and over with for when I move to Toronto.

In terms of where I am now, school is pretty good. Surprisingly enough, drawing on my L.A. teacher's white boards every day, reenacting all of West Side Story in five minutes and constantly mentioning the word "cooter" in and out of my assignments has yelided me a 90% in ELA 30-1 GATE. Nice contrast to last year when I coasted with about a 40% for most of the 20 level class.

Same kind of story with Physics. I had failed the course in epic proportions last year but since the only unit I really understood was all over the exam, I managed to pass that but my final mark was only 49% once the exam and course mark evened out so my Physics teacher passed me out of sympathy, basically. But in Physics 30 I've managed to get 77% in the course portion (which is good... for me) but I'm kind of worried for the exam because most of the concepts look close enough to each other to be each other and I could only identify to use a certain concept in a certain circumstance when we took those sub-unit quizes where if you can do one question, you can do them all. Emmjay babbles on. Case in point, I'm getting like 30% higher in this course too. Oh, and I think you should watch my Physics project I made over the break that wasn't due till last week:

And then there's art. Ah, yes... art. How is it that my art mark and my ELA marks are the EXACT SAME? For the firs time, I'm sure as hell not the best artist in my class so what do I do? I back up my art with philosophical B.S. much in the way that I've always backed up my LA with artistic B.S. For example, me teacher says that my "signature piece" of my collection is my project "REQUIUM": every day I draw on a sticky note. The subject matter is irrelevant and can be in an abstract or realistic style, possibly supported with text. So now I have this series of about seventy little 3.5 x 3.5 papers with things like a dolphin that says "I love preteen girls", or a collage of hams or a guy with polio laying smack down on the pavement with the quote "POLIownd". The idea is that randomosity is relative and biased. But the real meaning is that I honestly have no idea what I'm doing in art- I guess what ever it is, its working.

I think I might spend the $100 credit to Barbie's today that Benson gave me last year for my Birthday...

What am I doing?

2008-01-16T03:52:43Z

First of all, I don't hate anybody but rather hate the tension which arises as a byproduct of conflict from social drama. If I don't like somebody, I simply avoid them. I can't remember the last time I tried to completely emotionally dismember somebody to the point where they were left a wreck from which I sadistically fed pleasure from knowing how much I had ruined them.

But anyway, I know somebody who I haven't been on the best of terms with but at a time where I felt disconnected from everything (especially everybody), I invested a lot of time with them. I wasn't inspired, I wasn't complete and I wasn't necessarily honest with them either. I was just numb with them. The term "to use" has so many inappropriate connotations for this situation and in itself doesn't really fit either as I never really gained anything quantum anyway. Only the memory of a sadder me, striving for something else entirely, trying to be content with what was obtainable. I lied to myself and I lied to them.

I wanted things to end as if they had never began. Just to stop and I could resume in a way favorable to me, which I did.

Right now, I'm happier than I've ever been. Grades are coming easily to me for the amount of work I'm putting in and I'm comfortably above university requirements, I'm looking a lot better than I have been, I'm going to Japan, I have a few but excellent friends and Benson who I love and live for. But if things didn't happen how they did, when they did; if they happened now, when my life is complete, would I care or even notice at all? Or am I just upset that I gave up my power to somebody else who to this day has it.

I feel loose ends that need to be tied but if I try to tie them, everything might unravel and things might do back to how they were. I don't want to have to worry about this and I really shouldn't have to. Its just been on my mind a bit lately. So until I know what to do, if I do anything at all, just know that

I'm sorry.

To all of you who fit into one of these catagories:

2008-01-10T23:44:11Z

To all of you who are visiting my page from Newgrounds:

It's not letting me log in. I really would like to update TheMJ Dress up of Madness II but because I can't log in and frankly don't have the time, that will just have to wait.

To all of you who have noticed I haven't updated my page in a significantly long time:

Hey guys. I do school work ALL the time. I did all my post break homework last week but it turns out none of it was really due till next week. My director called me and said he wanted me to audition a part for Grease this summer but I can't because a)I'll be in Japan for most of the run of the show and b) I do too much homework to do anything like, oh I don't know, think of myself. Anyway, this being said, I'm working on art portfolio stuff now.

WHICH IS ANOTHER THING:
Ryerson posted their entrance requirements for their FD program. All the requirements are the same for this year as they were last year: 4 designs (one mens casual, one women's evening wear, one swimsuit, one children's) and 3 photographs of homemade garments (Front and back shot of each including fabric samples and one photo of a garment inside out) One change: garments can't be made out of black or white material.

Oh. Oh I see how it is.

So by about, hurm, APRIL, I have to have constructed three, professional caliber garments to submit to one of the top elite schools of fashion on the CONTINENT in two and a half months and as if that weren't bad enough, my cosplay is white (as is my grad dress which is supposed to be Princess Usagi's dress) and I'm not allowed to sew for ANYBODY ELSE even though they commission me and pay for the materials. So now I'm supposed to make three things I probably won't even wear (in fear of ruining them) and waste money on material (not black or white though- more ammunition as to why I wouldn't wear them because thats just good design) that I could have used towards the trip to Japan I'm going on (Not even $2000 for the trip there and back. Hurm, that other $1000 I'm paying presumably isn't going towards going to one or two of the tourist traps we're going to, I'm sure)

Ung, this is retarded. Yeah, you heard that. I said retarded and I sure as hell hope I've offended all your little cousins, friends, coworkers and the such who legitimately are.

Oh, but I am doing good in school. Especially English. Cooter is a funny word ~~to write everywhere on everything in my LA class~~ In a half dazed sleep in the middle of the night a while back, I was trying to determine the wavelength of the chai tea latte sitting on my night stand beside me because it smelled like vomit. Now thats what I call scholarly dedication.