Current location:	MJ's Dark Fortress
Current mood:	Worthless
Entry tags:	aaurngh

I'm really sick of this.
Its not my fault. Its my dad's but that doesn't mean I should have my face held up to the phone to call him and beg for money. Just because my dad left my mom doesn't mean it was my fault. I WAS FIVE FUCKING YEARS OLD. WHAT THE HELL COULD I HAVE DONE TO MAKE HIM LEAVE? NOTHING. I don't even think I have a dad so what point is there in me calling that stranger who we're still I'm still connected for money that I know he doesn't even have? And to yell at me for "sucking my grandparents dry" when shes the one borrowing money from them all the time and she somehow convinces herself is for me. AND AT THE SAME TIME, my grandparents are offering to pay my tuition and shes telling them no- telling them no right in front of me on the phone and then reminding me that I deserve to have to pay for it myself. FUCK WOMAN, THEY ARE OFFERING ME A CHANCE IN LIFE. I AM NOT ASKING FOR THIS. I never ask for ANYTHING. Thats why its so hard for me to confront people like my dad who I don't even know. And all the while being allowed no chance to state my input, no chance to even speak and if I manage to say anything, I'M PUNISHED. I can't say SHIT. I'm not allowed to make productive use of my time as she always traps me and makes me listen to her. I can't do SHIT. I live with somebody who changes their mind 50 times a day, freaks out about every little thing, especially "clutter" (which I have given up on trying not to create as its never good enough for her) and despite boasting about me to everyone she knows, treats me like SHIT.

So it seems that I am SHIT. That is what I am worth and that is what I amount to in the eyes of some cranky old woman who can't get her priorities straight. I don't pity her anymore, I have no sympathy to her. Explicitly using the excuse "[I do this to you] because you're my child" is not an excuse at all. If I've learned anything from her its to pick and choose my battles; my father is not worth going to for money just as my mom isn't worth going through the bureaucracy of the legal system to seek monetary justice from.