Current location:	MJ's Dark Fortress
Current mood:	discontent
Entry tags:	aaurngh, dad, mom

This is too textbook.
So she can say anything she wants to me in terms of personal insults, punishment and threats. The second I do so much as respond to one of my mother's rhetorical snide remarks as means of defending myself, I get punished. I ask why and I get punished again. So by trying to seek justification, I instead get "privileges" taken away, chores or slapped. Then somehow she claims that what what ever I've expressed about my disregard for the situation is abuse and calls up her mom or her friends and plays victim. Yet if I try to obtain a healthy conversation with a third party to ease myself in the heat of the moment and maybe regain some self-esteem after having it all shat on by who I am convinced is the devil incarnated, all of a sudden I'm "betraying" her and am subject to even more punishment. All because I'm the kid and shes the parent. How democratic.

What the hell is wrong with this woman!? I'm really surprised that I don't have some serious mental disorder having been raised by her. But in a way, I feel as though I've raised myself. Weeks can go by and I don't even remember I have a father and yet this is at the front of her mind constantly and she frequently regenerates reasons it's my fault he left her. She yells at me every day. I end up a crying mess every night. Sure I'm not a child soldier in Africa or what ever but I have a hell of a lot more reasons to be self loathing than most of the kids I know who perpetuate themselves in self-proclaimed depression. And yet I'M NOT. I'm a genuinely happy and carefree person until my mom comes along and tears me down like this. Maybe thats my mental disorder. Maybe I should have killed myself ages ago. Maybe its hopeless for me after all and I've just been lucky enough to ride through the turbulence thus far. I don't want to wait for her to realize she has a great kid after all.

Despite the stress and struggle my dad has caused by leaving, I respect him so much for getting away from her while he could. As for me? I'm the kid.